


Warlord Seduction For Dummies

by Spoon888



Series: Twitter Warm Up Prompt Fills [4]
Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Bad Advice, Humor, M/M, The Hell That Is The Noise Jet Engines Make, Trine Dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:54:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24219973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spoon888/pseuds/Spoon888
Summary: "Have you tried licking him?"Starscream goes to Thundercracker and Skywarp for dating advice.
Relationships: Megatron/Starscream (Transformers)
Series: Twitter Warm Up Prompt Fills [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1719604
Comments: 57
Kudos: 227





	Warlord Seduction For Dummies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [neveralarch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/neveralarch/gifts).



"Have you tried licking him?" 

The unwavering seriousness in Skywarp's tone was the only thing that kept Starscream from jumping down from his perch on the warehouse roof and punching his trine-mate square in the face. 

He leant forward, elbows resting on his thighs, and served a Look that warned Skywarp, without any doubt, that that response could very well occur anyway if he didn't explain the thinking behind such unfettered idiocy. 

Skywarp, busy kicking a discarded tire around the abandoned warehouse's carpark, didn't notice. "That's what grounder's like." 

"I think you're confusing grounders for turbo-dogs, Skywarp," Thundercracker suggested from the back of the pickup truck he was sat on. His weight had destroyed the old machine's suspension and it's undercarriage was resting on the ground. He shifted and a rear tire burst suddenly, causing it to sink down further. Thundercracker glanced between his legs in surprise. 

"Uh, you might try acting like a civilised mech for once," Thundercracker suggested, tearing his gaze away from the tire to look up at him on the roof. "What's wrong with just giving gifts? On this planet I hear they give each other flowers." 

Skywarp laughed Thundercracker's idea down before Starscream could. "What's Megatron gonna do with _flowers_?! Eat them?" 

"Skywarp is right," Starscream glared at him disdainfully. "I'm not trying to _marry_ him, Thundercracker." 

Always the sore loser, Thundercracker folded his arms petulantly and removed himself from the conversation entirely. As he stomped off, Starscream realised he was now left only with _Skywarp_ for advice. He served his remaining trine-mate his most condescending glare. Skywarp cowered a little, the edges of his wings fell to point towards the ground. 

"Do you know _why_ I keep you around, Skywarp?" He began menacingly. 

Skywarp shuffled his pedes. He appeared to be thinking. "Arm candy?" 

Starscream stopped himself from immediately shooting that down. "Yes, but beyond that." 

"I dunno, Screamer, so people think you have friends?" 

"Because you're an irrepressible _whore_ ," Starscream said loudly. "You'd let any mech have you and they all know it. You weed out the unambitious and disingenuous, like a litmus test for mechs with no standards." 

Skywarp blinked. It appeared the big words had thrown him off just enough to stop him from losing his temper over the small ones. 

That was fine. Starscream didn't expect him to understand. Skywarp was infuriatingly popular among the masses, striking up inadvisable friendships even among their enemies. He was handsome, friendly, physical, and foolish - a combination that, if rumours were anything to listen to, made him an out-of-this-world lay. It was easier to count the Decepticon's that _hadn't_ flung themselves at Skywarp's berth with considerable force, than it was to count the hundreds that had. 

"Have you ever been turned down?" He asked him, curious, and a little worried. 

Skywarp was still blank, "Huh?" 

Starscream tapped his fingers against his thigh, "Have you ever met a mech that didn't respond to your seduction?" 

Skywarp laughed, and it infuriated Starscream. "Ha! Screamer please, _I_ don't do the seducing." 

Starscream began to grind his denta together. 

Thankfully, before he could rain null-rays down on his idiotic trine-mate, Thundercracker came stomping back from where ever he'd been sulking. His right hand was fisted around a scraggly lump of green and pink. 

"Here," he thrust them at Starscream, propping his arm against the warehouse roof. "These'll do."

Starscream snatched the flowers out of his hand and sent pink petals fluttering over his thighs. He made a disgusted noise and started brushing them away. "I said no flowers!" 

"They're roses," Thundercracker muttered darkly, "You're welcome." 

Starscream looked skywards, lamenting his lack of decent company. Skywarp was more promiscuous than an Iaconian academy fraternity brother and Thundercracker hadn't had a date since the Stone Age. He had been hoping, rather foolishly, that the two of them together could strike an ideal in-between. 

He was wrong. 

"This is intolerable," he snarled, jumping off the roof, headless roses fisted in his hand. He threw the stems at Skywarp. "If Megatron were a seeker this would be simple!"

"If you weren't exclusively attracted to 'Megatron's' this would be even simpler." Skywarp commented, plucking a stem out of his turbine. "Lots of guys like you, Screamer. Primus knows why-"

"Troglodytes," Starscream muttered bitterly. 

"Maybe we're not giving Megatron enough credit," Skywarp shrugged. "Why don't you just stick with what you know? Maybe he's been around us long enough to know what it means when seekers flutter their wings?"

That was highly unlikely. Megatron only saw wings as handles with which to fling their owners across the room with. 

"Or," Thundercracker piped up, "You could speak in a language he understands-"

"I'm not giving him fragging flowers, Thundercracker!" 

"I meant, rev your engine. That's what grounders do, right?"

Skywarp started nodding. "Yeah. _Yeah_! That _is_ what they do." 

Starscream stroked his chin in thought. Loath as he was to act like a grounder, it was the safest option he had. If Megatron did catch on to what he was trying to communicate with engine revs and turned him down? He could always claim it was a miscommunication to save his pride. 

He smirked, "You may become my favourite trine-mate yet, Thundercracker." 

Thundercracker smiled. Then frowned when the implication set in. "You mean I'm not already?" 

* * *

  
Megatron was trying to read a nonsensical report Onslaught must have written drunk. Deciphering the typo-ridden glyphs was made no easier by the distant shrill, _screech_ of noise of what sounded like someone strangling a seagull out in the corridor. It was growing louder and louder. 

It had reached a defeating volume when the door to his office slid open, and he was bombarded with it without warning. He dropped his report, temper fraying, and stood just as the source of the racket appeared in his doorway. 

**_Schreeeeeee_** \- Starscream's jet engines were _squealing_ like someone had thrown a cyber-cat into them. It was audial shattering, migraine inducing, the sort of noise someone would hear at the gates of _Hell_ , and it couldn't possibly be healthy.

Starscream, either oblivious to the noise or somehow unaffected by it, leant against his doorway and met his gaze with half-shuttered optics. He tossed his helm back and planted a hand on his hip, cocking it out. 

Megatron cringed when Starscream's engines shifted up a gear and made the noise _louder_. 

Clearly, the poor seeker needed medical attention. Or a mercy kill. 


End file.
